It's December 16th...and I still don't feel like it's Christmastime. Maybe it's because it's been close to 60 degrees? Maybe it's because I didn't decorate at all. Maybe it's because I've been down lately? Blech. I dunno.
Am I really that guy?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Family Visit
I went up to my family's house last night for a Halloween/30th surprise Birthday Party for my brother-in-law's sister. I was both excited and apprehensive about the trip. Excited cause I hadn't seen my mom in about 2 months or my niece and nephew in about 5 months. Apprehensive cause my sister and I are like mixing oil and vinegar - it's good sometimes but doesn't mix well. All in all, it was great to see everyone. I don't agree with/like the way my sister treats my mom, but that's par for the course. She takes advantage of her, doesn't realize how much she does for them, etc. I just keep my mouth shut, tho...
My neice and nephew, on the other hand, are growing up so fast! I just sat in awe as my 7 year old neice read a book to me. She was reading words that I didn't think she should be able to say, but she's a smart cookie! Any my nephew is your typical little boy - always getting into things. And then they randomly run to me to give me a hug...makes me melt. I love them like they're my own:)
My neice and nephew, on the other hand, are growing up so fast! I just sat in awe as my 7 year old neice read a book to me. She was reading words that I didn't think she should be able to say, but she's a smart cookie! Any my nephew is your typical little boy - always getting into things. And then they randomly run to me to give me a hug...makes me melt. I love them like they're my own:)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Ex Factor
The first boyfriend I ever had was in college. I was 21 and he was 19. We met through a mutual friend and went out for about 4 months. He was my first, so that meant a lot and seemed like a long time. I went on vacation with the family and he went to band camp (insert American Pie joke here). Upon my return, he apparently had had too much fun at band camp and was already "seeing" another guy. I was crushed. He was the first person that I said "I love you" to. I came out to my best friend while we were going out. He had met my family as "a friend" and me his.
Fast forward 7 years.
After not having seen or spoken to him since college, I saw him several times as I ran around town. Odd that I would see him after all this time...in a different city...but ok. Chalk it up to coincidence and "the odds." Opening day at the gym...he and another guy (I assumed his bf) came in to get a joint 6 month membership. I acted like he was just an old friend - it had been 7 years, after all. Totally ok with it all now. As the months went on, we exchanged friendly banter, but nothing too in depth. He eventually wained off of his workout regimen after about 3 months, so that was that.
Last night.
Some friends and I go out...and guess who we see at the bar? Yup, he and his joint membership guy are there. I stop to chat and we exchange friendly "hellos." Come to find out, he isn't dating his joint membership guy, they are just roommates. As the drinks continue to flow, I invite him to walk around with my group and hang out. He accepts. At one point, it is just the 2 of us...outside. We make some chit-chat...and for some reason, the break-up and the past become the topic of discussion. He continues to tell me that he has always regretted the way he treated me. That he didn't handle the situation like he should have. That, after having dated since then, he realized how "good he had it" (his words). That the grass wasn't greener on the other side, like he thought. That if he could, he would do it all differently. That he "got what he deserved" in his subsequent relationships.
WHOA!
I was totally not expecting ANY of this. I had never even thought about getting any sort of validation from him. Ever. It all took me by surprise...and that is putting it mildly. I told him not to worry about it. That I really appreciate the validation, but that we were both just so young. We didn't know what we were doing.
More drinks. More time passes. He skips his ride with his roommate to hang out with me (us) longer. After closing the bar down, we share a taxi...and go to his place. We both had to work this morning, so all we did was make out a little and then pass out. As he drives me to my house this morning, he gets my number. We kiss goodbye. It's in his court. He has my number. I don't have his.
WHOA!
Do I revisit?
Do we start anew?
Do we "not go there again."
Who knows. Time will tell. I'm not going to over-analyze it...like I usually do.
Que sera, sera.
But it does feel f-ing awesome to get validation from an ex. Especially when you never expected it. From him.
Fast forward 7 years.
After not having seen or spoken to him since college, I saw him several times as I ran around town. Odd that I would see him after all this time...in a different city...but ok. Chalk it up to coincidence and "the odds." Opening day at the gym...he and another guy (I assumed his bf) came in to get a joint 6 month membership. I acted like he was just an old friend - it had been 7 years, after all. Totally ok with it all now. As the months went on, we exchanged friendly banter, but nothing too in depth. He eventually wained off of his workout regimen after about 3 months, so that was that.
Last night.
Some friends and I go out...and guess who we see at the bar? Yup, he and his joint membership guy are there. I stop to chat and we exchange friendly "hellos." Come to find out, he isn't dating his joint membership guy, they are just roommates. As the drinks continue to flow, I invite him to walk around with my group and hang out. He accepts. At one point, it is just the 2 of us...outside. We make some chit-chat...and for some reason, the break-up and the past become the topic of discussion. He continues to tell me that he has always regretted the way he treated me. That he didn't handle the situation like he should have. That, after having dated since then, he realized how "good he had it" (his words). That the grass wasn't greener on the other side, like he thought. That if he could, he would do it all differently. That he "got what he deserved" in his subsequent relationships.
WHOA!
I was totally not expecting ANY of this. I had never even thought about getting any sort of validation from him. Ever. It all took me by surprise...and that is putting it mildly. I told him not to worry about it. That I really appreciate the validation, but that we were both just so young. We didn't know what we were doing.
More drinks. More time passes. He skips his ride with his roommate to hang out with me (us) longer. After closing the bar down, we share a taxi...and go to his place. We both had to work this morning, so all we did was make out a little and then pass out. As he drives me to my house this morning, he gets my number. We kiss goodbye. It's in his court. He has my number. I don't have his.
WHOA!
Do I revisit?
Do we start anew?
Do we "not go there again."
Who knows. Time will tell. I'm not going to over-analyze it...like I usually do.
Que sera, sera.
But it does feel f-ing awesome to get validation from an ex. Especially when you never expected it. From him.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The One...
...that got away?
Do you have *that* one that got away? Well, I have mine. I am riddled with regret...and I hate that. Partly cause I know that I was the one that cause the break-up...and partly because I feel that I was the one that made him "wander"...
I still have the napkin that he gave me with his cell number...
I still have every note he ever wrote me...
I still have everthing he ever gave me...
I still have the box from the chocolates that he gave me on Valentine's Day...
...all in a box
...and yes, I went through it tonight...
Why? Maybe I needed a good cry. Maybe I like to punish myself. Maybe I'll never get over it. Maybe I'm just f'ed up. Maybe I'll never forgive myself.
I hate "maybe's"...
I hate regrets.
I hate that he still gets to me.
I hate that I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I hate that I think about this...a lot...
I.
Hate.
It.
I'm not still "in love with him"...I'm not. I'm still in love with that time in my life...when I was truly happy...when I truly loved someone else...when I truly felt like someone loved me back...when I wasn't jaded...when I still believed in love...the happy ending...the fairy tale...
My Fairy Tale...
...but I don't know that I believe in that anymore...
Do you have *that* one that got away? Well, I have mine. I am riddled with regret...and I hate that. Partly cause I know that I was the one that cause the break-up...and partly because I feel that I was the one that made him "wander"...
I still have the napkin that he gave me with his cell number...
I still have every note he ever wrote me...
I still have everthing he ever gave me...
I still have the box from the chocolates that he gave me on Valentine's Day...
...all in a box
...and yes, I went through it tonight...
Why? Maybe I needed a good cry. Maybe I like to punish myself. Maybe I'll never get over it. Maybe I'm just f'ed up. Maybe I'll never forgive myself.
I hate "maybe's"...
I hate regrets.
I hate that he still gets to me.
I hate that I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I hate that I think about this...a lot...
I.
Hate.
It.
I'm not still "in love with him"...I'm not. I'm still in love with that time in my life...when I was truly happy...when I truly loved someone else...when I truly felt like someone loved me back...when I wasn't jaded...when I still believed in love...the happy ending...the fairy tale...
My Fairy Tale...
...but I don't know that I believe in that anymore...
Saturday, October 04, 2008
What Am I Looking For?
After a long week of work, I decided to go out with some friends last night. A friend of a friend was in town, so it was really just another excuse to go out. As the night progressed, we decided to go dancing. Then to grab a bite to eat before calling it a night...or morning, that is...at 3am. While we were eating, the friend of my friend told me that I was too picky. He had spotted a guy that he thought was cute, but I didn't.
AM I too picky?
Despite people telling me that I'm cute or hot, dancing with my shirt off and guys (mostly unwanted) trying to dance with me, people flirting, etc...what is it that I'm really looking for? (please excuse the cliche image of a gay boy in the aforementioned sentence...) I'm not trying to toot my own horn (trust me!), but why am I so picky??? Would I date me? I dunno. That's a whole 'nother can of worms that I don't want to open right now. I think that part of me would never date someone that I met at a bar/club, so why, then, do I continue to go out? That's not to say that I haven't dated a guy that I've met at a bar/club...but we see how well that's worked for me, right? And for that matter, why would anyone date me that I met out...if they were to think as I do??? So, why then, do we, as gay men...as humans...go out? Are we really missing something if we don't? Are we so afraid that we'll miss something that we just go out anyway? What is the lure? What is the shiny (disco) ball that draws us? Are we really looking for the "what if" of life? What if I don't go out and miss my Mr. Right? What if he were to be at the same bar that I always go to...just for tonight? What if I miss my opportunity? What if said opportunity never comes up again? What if???
Are we, as gay men, so blinded by the "what if's" that we can't see clearly? So? What if he was there and we weren't? If it was meant to be, it will be. Tonight. Tomorrow night. Next week. Whenever the stars align, it will happen. Are we *that* deluded by the "what if's" that we'll put ourselves through this mental turmoil???
Does any of this make sense?
AM I too picky?
Despite people telling me that I'm cute or hot, dancing with my shirt off and guys (mostly unwanted) trying to dance with me, people flirting, etc...what is it that I'm really looking for? (please excuse the cliche image of a gay boy in the aforementioned sentence...) I'm not trying to toot my own horn (trust me!), but why am I so picky??? Would I date me? I dunno. That's a whole 'nother can of worms that I don't want to open right now. I think that part of me would never date someone that I met at a bar/club, so why, then, do I continue to go out? That's not to say that I haven't dated a guy that I've met at a bar/club...but we see how well that's worked for me, right? And for that matter, why would anyone date me that I met out...if they were to think as I do??? So, why then, do we, as gay men...as humans...go out? Are we really missing something if we don't? Are we so afraid that we'll miss something that we just go out anyway? What is the lure? What is the shiny (disco) ball that draws us? Are we really looking for the "what if" of life? What if I don't go out and miss my Mr. Right? What if he were to be at the same bar that I always go to...just for tonight? What if I miss my opportunity? What if said opportunity never comes up again? What if???
Are we, as gay men, so blinded by the "what if's" that we can't see clearly? So? What if he was there and we weren't? If it was meant to be, it will be. Tonight. Tomorrow night. Next week. Whenever the stars align, it will happen. Are we *that* deluded by the "what if's" that we'll put ourselves through this mental turmoil???
Does any of this make sense?
Friday, September 26, 2008
...Happy Ever After
I was watching Grey's Anatomy and Sex and the City last night and they were about the same thing. What happens after you get your "happy ever after?" What then? We are all searching for Mr. Right or Mrs. Right or that perfect person, but what happens *after* that? All of the fairy tales end there. You all ride off into the sunset and "the end." No. Not, "the end." What happens? We are all told that that will be the pinnacle of our lives. Happy ever after. That's what we all want, right? We want *our* happy ever after. But what's *after* that?
Well, I've got the answer.
***spoiler alert***
Life. Life is what happens after your "happy ending." It doesn't just stop because we've found the perfect person. It doesn't stop because we are in love. It doesn't stop for anything. Period. So, boys and girls...while we are all looking for our "happy ever after," it's just another part of life. Some of us are lucky enough to find it. Some of us aren't. But just as sure as the sun will rise, life will go on just the same. Maybe a little happier or maybe you just keep searching, but...
Life.
Still.
Goes.
On.
Well, I've got the answer.
***spoiler alert***
Life. Life is what happens after your "happy ending." It doesn't just stop because we've found the perfect person. It doesn't stop because we are in love. It doesn't stop for anything. Period. So, boys and girls...while we are all looking for our "happy ever after," it's just another part of life. Some of us are lucky enough to find it. Some of us aren't. But just as sure as the sun will rise, life will go on just the same. Maybe a little happier or maybe you just keep searching, but...
Life.
Still.
Goes.
On.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Dating Dilemma
Wouldn't you agree that you have to go out on a certain amount of dates to finally find a good guy that you would continue to date? I would say so. It's sorta a numbers game. I mean, I'm not talking about Mr. Right, but maybe. I've never been a big proponent of dating just to date, but there is a fine line. Right?
Well, I've gone on 2 dates within the past 4 days and I'm already tired of it. Both were nellier than I normally date. Both very nice, but not someone I would date on a continued basis. Is it me? *Am* I too picky?
Please. Please. Please direct me the good gay men.
Well, I've gone on 2 dates within the past 4 days and I'm already tired of it. Both were nellier than I normally date. Both very nice, but not someone I would date on a continued basis. Is it me? *Am* I too picky?
Please. Please. Please direct me the good gay men.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
A Fun Quiz
This about sums up my whole life:
You Are 42% Stereotypically Gay
You definitely have some stereotypically gay traits. You might set off a person's gaydar now and then. If you are not actually gay, you could be mistaken for gay from time to time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
How Stereotypically Gay Are You?
Take More Quizzes
Runner's High
I ran a 5K race this morning. Since I've been running marathons, this was the first 5k that I've ran in over 4 years. It was great to get that surge of energy that a shorter distance race gives you. I've never been a "conventional" runner. I don't do sprints one day and then hills another. I just run because I love to run. And the odd thing with me is that I'm better now than I was in high school. I've been running for 15 years! And most runners peak in their early to mid 20's. I'm 28 now and I'm running better than when I was 18!
This morning's race stats:
6th overall out of 500 (guesstimate)
3rd in my age group (20-29)
18:42
It wasn't my PR, but I was only shy like 3 seconds from it. The age group divisions were really broad, too. Usually, it's 20-24, 25-29, 30-34, etc., but they just divided the groups by decades.
Overall, I'm pleased:)
This morning's race stats:
6th overall out of 500 (guesstimate)
3rd in my age group (20-29)
18:42
It wasn't my PR, but I was only shy like 3 seconds from it. The age group divisions were really broad, too. Usually, it's 20-24, 25-29, 30-34, etc., but they just divided the groups by decades.
Overall, I'm pleased:)
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Food Meme:)
I got this meme from Brad. I love food, so this is a good one:)
1. How do you like your eggs?
I just like eggs. Period. But, my favorite is over easy.
2. How do you take your coffee/tea?
Coffee: Cream and splenda.
Tea: Iced with splenda.
3. Favorite breakfast food:
I love breakfast food, I just don't eat it a lot. My ideal would be 2 eggs over easy, crisy bacon, french toast, fresh squeezed orange juice with pulp, and coffee:)
4. Peanut butter:
I freakin' love pb! Natural peanut butter for me:)
5. What kind of dressing on your salad?
Fat free italian or some sort of vinegarette.
6. Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Coke, but I like a diet Pepsi every now and then for a change:)
7. You’re feeling lazy. What do you make?
Soup.
8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?
If I want to be healthy, a veggie. If I don't care, a supreme with buffalo wings:)
9. You feel like cooking. What do you make?
I love to cook, so this one is wide open.
10. Do any foods bring back good memories?
Fried chicken (friend without the skin) always makes me think of my mom. She would always make that for picnics.
11. Do any foods bring back bad memories?
Nope.
12. Do any foods remind you of someone?
French food always reminds me of my ex. Chinese food always make me think of my sis.
13. Is there a food you refuse to eat?
No. I'll try anything once.
14. What was your favorite food as a child?
My mom's spaghetti and pizza. We had it every Friday night.
15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like?
Mushrooms and brussel sprouts.
16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate?
Nope.
17. Favorite fruit and vegetable:
I love them all. Seriously.
18. Favorite junk food?
I honestly love anything that's bad for you...I just don't eat it.
19. Favorite between meal snack?
Cheese.
20. Do you have any weird food habits?
Nope.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?
I'm always on a diet and never on a diet. I just try to eat healthy all the time. No sweets.
22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like?
Anything!
23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?
Thai hot.
24. Can I get you a drink?
Yes, please.
25. Red or White wine?
White if I'm out. Red if I'm staying in - the whole teeth thing.
26. Favorite dessert?
Cheesecake. But I like 'em all!
27. The perfect nightcap?
A kiss from a boy.
1. How do you like your eggs?
I just like eggs. Period. But, my favorite is over easy.
2. How do you take your coffee/tea?
Coffee: Cream and splenda.
Tea: Iced with splenda.
3. Favorite breakfast food:
I love breakfast food, I just don't eat it a lot. My ideal would be 2 eggs over easy, crisy bacon, french toast, fresh squeezed orange juice with pulp, and coffee:)
4. Peanut butter:
I freakin' love pb! Natural peanut butter for me:)
5. What kind of dressing on your salad?
Fat free italian or some sort of vinegarette.
6. Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Coke, but I like a diet Pepsi every now and then for a change:)
7. You’re feeling lazy. What do you make?
Soup.
8. You’re feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order?
If I want to be healthy, a veggie. If I don't care, a supreme with buffalo wings:)
9. You feel like cooking. What do you make?
I love to cook, so this one is wide open.
10. Do any foods bring back good memories?
Fried chicken (friend without the skin) always makes me think of my mom. She would always make that for picnics.
11. Do any foods bring back bad memories?
Nope.
12. Do any foods remind you of someone?
French food always reminds me of my ex. Chinese food always make me think of my sis.
13. Is there a food you refuse to eat?
No. I'll try anything once.
14. What was your favorite food as a child?
My mom's spaghetti and pizza. We had it every Friday night.
15. Is there a food that you hated as a child but now like?
Mushrooms and brussel sprouts.
16. Is there a food that you liked as a child but now hate?
Nope.
17. Favorite fruit and vegetable:
I love them all. Seriously.
18. Favorite junk food?
I honestly love anything that's bad for you...I just don't eat it.
19. Favorite between meal snack?
Cheese.
20. Do you have any weird food habits?
Nope.
21. You’re on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on?
I'm always on a diet and never on a diet. I just try to eat healthy all the time. No sweets.
22. You’re off your diet. Now what would you like?
Anything!
23. How spicy do you order Indian/Thai?
Thai hot.
24. Can I get you a drink?
Yes, please.
25. Red or White wine?
White if I'm out. Red if I'm staying in - the whole teeth thing.
26. Favorite dessert?
Cheesecake. But I like 'em all!
27. The perfect nightcap?
A kiss from a boy.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
New Beginnings
Well, today is my first day out of the program.
My mom and bro-in-law are bringing my stuff down on Saturday.
The slate is clean.
It's a new beginning.
I'm excited.
My mom and bro-in-law are bringing my stuff down on Saturday.
The slate is clean.
It's a new beginning.
I'm excited.
Monday, August 11, 2008
ANOTHER brush with Death
As I was riding into work, I noticed that traffic was busier than it has been. I guess all the kids are going back to school, so I just chalked it up to that. Well, as I was making my way through 2 cars to get to the other side of the street (yes, at a pedestrian walkway, mind you!), I noticed a car coming at me full speed in the turning lane. As I tried to pedal faster, he apparently didn't see me or something, cause he never once tried to brake. Just as I think that I've cleared his car, I hear his front left bumper hit my back tire! Whew! That was WAY too close for comfort.
As my heart was calming down and I continued to work, I reflected on what would have happened if I *had* been hit... I hate when there are event in your life that make you question mortality. I had a very similar incident happen when I was running about a month and a half ago. Same scenario, except it was my right leg instead of my back tire!
I hope *this* doesn't come in three's...
As my heart was calming down and I continued to work, I reflected on what would have happened if I *had* been hit... I hate when there are event in your life that make you question mortality. I had a very similar incident happen when I was running about a month and a half ago. Same scenario, except it was my right leg instead of my back tire!
I hope *this* doesn't come in three's...
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Maybe So...
Most of the gay people that come into the gym are lesbians. I've never really had any lesbian friends, so this is all new for me. We all know the lesbian cliches:
They all wear flannel
They nest more
They move in together after a couple of dates
Most are manly
Most are overweight or "husky"
etc.
However, I've become really close with some of them. And now that I'm living in more of a lesbian neighborhood in Atlanta, I met a lot of them. I don't mind it...at all. It's a nice change from the "gay scene" and all the drama that comes along with gay men. However, I have met some of them in the area, too. On the whole, most of the lesbians and gay men are coupled...which brought me to the topic of this post. Maybe relationships *can* work for gay people. I think that I've become a little "jaded" living in Midtown where it just doesn't seem possible. Most of the couples that I've met have been together for close to or over 10 years! They don't just have gay friends, they have friends...whether they are married, with kids, or what not. Albeit, this is a more artsy-fartsy, "nesters wanted" type of area, but still.
IT. CAN. WORK.
I think my faith has been renewed a little:)
They all wear flannel
They nest more
They move in together after a couple of dates
Most are manly
Most are overweight or "husky"
etc.
However, I've become really close with some of them. And now that I'm living in more of a lesbian neighborhood in Atlanta, I met a lot of them. I don't mind it...at all. It's a nice change from the "gay scene" and all the drama that comes along with gay men. However, I have met some of them in the area, too. On the whole, most of the lesbians and gay men are coupled...which brought me to the topic of this post. Maybe relationships *can* work for gay people. I think that I've become a little "jaded" living in Midtown where it just doesn't seem possible. Most of the couples that I've met have been together for close to or over 10 years! They don't just have gay friends, they have friends...whether they are married, with kids, or what not. Albeit, this is a more artsy-fartsy, "nesters wanted" type of area, but still.
IT. CAN. WORK.
I think my faith has been renewed a little:)
Friday, July 25, 2008
What is "normal"???
I finally got a day off yesterday! I hadn't had one single day off since the 4th, so it was much needed. As I layed in bed awake at 7am, I was toggling with what to do for the day. Do I get up and get some stuff done or do I just roll over and lay in bed and relax some more? I didn't do either, I compromised. I layed in bed til around 9 and then got up and started the day. I needed to get a new shirt for Saturday night, so I decided to hop on MARTA and go shopping. I have a date with one of my lesbian friends, so I needed something new.
While on MARTA, I sat across from 3 little black kids - what they were doing on the train by themselves is beyond me, but. The older boy and girl looked to be around 6 or 7 and the youngest boy was about 4. As I watched the youngest boy give kisses and play with his sister, it just hit me: I'm never going to have that. I'm never going to have that "normal" life. I'm not saying that I want a kid right now or anything, but the option is not really there for me. I can't just happen to get drunk one night, have sex with a girl, and "make" a baby - one case scenario, mind you. I've always "known" that my life is and always would be different, but I don't know what made that point crystal clear yesterday.
As my these thoughts bounced around in my head, I then came to the conclusion: Why do I want to be "normal?" Maybe I AM normal...for me. My normal is very ABnormal for someone like my sister, but it's very normal for me. Normalcy is highly over-rated.
On another note, I did get a shirt. 2 shirts in fact...and 2 pairs of jeans...ahem. I'm not like most gay men...I mean, I like my name brand clothing just as much as the next gay, but I'm not that high maintenance all the time. After going to the mall and finding nothing, I decided to pop into Target. I love their jeans and they just happened to have my size, so I bought a couple. Plus, I got 2 polos that are really cool. Gotta love Target:)
While on MARTA, I sat across from 3 little black kids - what they were doing on the train by themselves is beyond me, but. The older boy and girl looked to be around 6 or 7 and the youngest boy was about 4. As I watched the youngest boy give kisses and play with his sister, it just hit me: I'm never going to have that. I'm never going to have that "normal" life. I'm not saying that I want a kid right now or anything, but the option is not really there for me. I can't just happen to get drunk one night, have sex with a girl, and "make" a baby - one case scenario, mind you. I've always "known" that my life is and always would be different, but I don't know what made that point crystal clear yesterday.
As my these thoughts bounced around in my head, I then came to the conclusion: Why do I want to be "normal?" Maybe I AM normal...for me. My normal is very ABnormal for someone like my sister, but it's very normal for me. Normalcy is highly over-rated.
On another note, I did get a shirt. 2 shirts in fact...and 2 pairs of jeans...ahem. I'm not like most gay men...I mean, I like my name brand clothing just as much as the next gay, but I'm not that high maintenance all the time. After going to the mall and finding nothing, I decided to pop into Target. I love their jeans and they just happened to have my size, so I bought a couple. Plus, I got 2 polos that are really cool. Gotta love Target:)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
New Place
I'm not out of the program yet, but I have already rented a new place. I only have a month left, so I decided to go ahead and get some things situated.
Things I did last night:
~laundry
~blew up an air mattress (yes, just my mouth!)
~put some stuff away
~surfed the web
~grocery shopping
It doesn't sound all that fun, but it sorta was. I'm gonna like my new place. It's like a minute away from work (literally!), it's nice/new, and it's soooo affordable! Life is getting back to normal, I hope... :)
Things I did last night:
~laundry
~blew up an air mattress (yes, just my mouth!)
~put some stuff away
~surfed the web
~grocery shopping
It doesn't sound all that fun, but it sorta was. I'm gonna like my new place. It's like a minute away from work (literally!), it's nice/new, and it's soooo affordable! Life is getting back to normal, I hope... :)
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Where's Your Pride?
Happy PRIDE!
from the computer at work
but I'm ok with that
'cause it's gonna rain
like it always does
every year
on PRIDE weekend
here in Atlanta
from the computer at work
but I'm ok with that
'cause it's gonna rain
like it always does
every year
on PRIDE weekend
here in Atlanta
Saturday, July 05, 2008
What's up, 1GAR?
For the past couple of days, I’ve just been exhausted. No running exhausted. That is the worst kind of exhausted. But, I guess it’s good to give my body a rest, right?
I just spent a quiet 4th at the apartment and did nothing. I slept late, made whole-grain/flax banana pancakes, watched movies, ate popcorn, baked double chocolate chunk cookies, and just chilled for the day. It was nice.
I’ve been reflecting on my life lately. I don’t like to do this. Mainly because it gets me a little depressed. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of the friends that I used to hang out with. It’s good and it’s bad. I feel like I don’t really have any friends anymore. I seriously talk to 1 and text with another one. The most interaction that I have with the gay community is at work. I’ve really come to love my lesbians.
It’s been way over a year since I’ve dated or been on a date with anyone.
I finally decided where to live once I finish this program. I’m going to move in with a friend of a friend who has become a friend. She lives in a nice house and is never there because she’s always at her boyfriend’s. So, I would essentially have the place to myself. Plus, it’s close to work and it’s cheap.
They say that if you’re not moving forward, you’re going backwards. I don’t agree. I feel like I’m stagnant. I’m not really moving forward or backwards. I feel this way a lot…and I hate it.
I feel old.
Blah.
I just spent a quiet 4th at the apartment and did nothing. I slept late, made whole-grain/flax banana pancakes, watched movies, ate popcorn, baked double chocolate chunk cookies, and just chilled for the day. It was nice.
I’ve been reflecting on my life lately. I don’t like to do this. Mainly because it gets me a little depressed. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of the friends that I used to hang out with. It’s good and it’s bad. I feel like I don’t really have any friends anymore. I seriously talk to 1 and text with another one. The most interaction that I have with the gay community is at work. I’ve really come to love my lesbians.
It’s been way over a year since I’ve dated or been on a date with anyone.
I finally decided where to live once I finish this program. I’m going to move in with a friend of a friend who has become a friend. She lives in a nice house and is never there because she’s always at her boyfriend’s. So, I would essentially have the place to myself. Plus, it’s close to work and it’s cheap.
They say that if you’re not moving forward, you’re going backwards. I don’t agree. I feel like I’m stagnant. I’m not really moving forward or backwards. I feel this way a lot…and I hate it.
I feel old.
Blah.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
1 Year Anniversary
I've been sorta down lately. Yeah, Debbie-Downer, I know. I'm just now getting over the staph infection. And then, as I'm finally able to walk, sit, bike, and run normally, I get another blow. On Friday, I hurt my back while I was working out. It was stupid, really. As I was hooking my leg to the decline bench, I didn't catch it all the way and hit the floor flat on my back with 2 - 45lb dumbbells in tow. My boss just busted out laughing, not realizing that I really hurt myself. So, I think I have a pinched nerve in my lower back. I'm limping again, I make old man noises, I hold my lower back when I bend down...and to make it worse, I can't run because it "pinches" it when I do. Bummer.
Then, when I was about to leave work, I noticed that I had a flat on my bike. Double bummer.
Plus, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my downward spiral in life. This time last year, I was ambivalent to the fact that my life would totally change within the next 8-10 hours. As much as I would like to forget about this past year, I can't. To forget would be to skip an important chapter in a really good book. I look back on this past year and can't help but to feel deep regret. I hate regret. It's a selfish emotion that keeps on taking. The only thing that punches regret in the face is the fact that I know everything happens for a reason. All of our experiences make up who we are. For me, these aren't just trite sayings. I whole-heartedly believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't like the reason, but that is a whole different issue all together.
So, on a brighter note...I'm on my way. On my way to a new me. As cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I know where I'm never going to go again, I can only move up from here, right? Right.
Then, when I was about to leave work, I noticed that I had a flat on my bike. Double bummer.
Plus, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my downward spiral in life. This time last year, I was ambivalent to the fact that my life would totally change within the next 8-10 hours. As much as I would like to forget about this past year, I can't. To forget would be to skip an important chapter in a really good book. I look back on this past year and can't help but to feel deep regret. I hate regret. It's a selfish emotion that keeps on taking. The only thing that punches regret in the face is the fact that I know everything happens for a reason. All of our experiences make up who we are. For me, these aren't just trite sayings. I whole-heartedly believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we don't like the reason, but that is a whole different issue all together.
So, on a brighter note...I'm on my way. On my way to a new me. As cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I know where I'm never going to go again, I can only move up from here, right? Right.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Karma?
Since I'm in this program, it leaves me with little extra spending money. Well, to be honest, it leaves me broke most of the time. Well, I had noticed a infected hair or pimple what was getting worse and worse by the day. I'd been putting off going to the doctor for what I was sure the beginnings of a staph infection. Ew, I know! I've had one before, so it never leaves your body and leaves you more susceptible to it again at any time. Well, I got one...in the...ahem...buttocks/upper leg region... Not fun...seeing as how I bike to work and couldn't sit still in a chair! I wasn't sleeping at night, it was throbbing, and I started to get a headache and a little fever, so I sucked it up and went to the doctor. So, there I lay on my stomach with my butt hanging out. I prayed like I've never prayed before for the doctor to be ugly. Luckily, it was a female, so I was relieved. After she finished lancing, draining, and packing the infected area, I was on my way.
With the doctor's fee taking all of my money, I didn't know how I was going to get the antibiotics...not good. So, my mom said that she would let me use her credit card if the pharmacy would allow her to over the phone. Nope, no one would go for that, so I just decided that I would have to wait until I got paid on Monday to get it. As I'm walking across the Walgreen's parking lot, I look down and find a $20 bill!!! What are the odds?!?!?! I've never found money before. Apparently, Karma was on my side that day! So, I proceeded to go to Kroger and get my $4 prescription filled:)
Who said that Karma was a biatch? I must be doing something right... :)
With the doctor's fee taking all of my money, I didn't know how I was going to get the antibiotics...not good. So, my mom said that she would let me use her credit card if the pharmacy would allow her to over the phone. Nope, no one would go for that, so I just decided that I would have to wait until I got paid on Monday to get it. As I'm walking across the Walgreen's parking lot, I look down and find a $20 bill!!! What are the odds?!?!?! I've never found money before. Apparently, Karma was on my side that day! So, I proceeded to go to Kroger and get my $4 prescription filled:)
Who said that Karma was a biatch? I must be doing something right... :)
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Adventures with 1GAR: Bike vs. Power line
As usual, I was riding my bike into work on a beautiful Sunday. While riding, I usually have one earbud of my iPod on, admire all the pretty houses, watch parents walk their kids to school, pass by joggers/fellow riders...it's basically a leisure ride into work. Well, as I was doing said things, I suddenly felt a tug and burning sensation on my neck. What tha' heck?! And before I knew it, I was crashing to the pavement. Apparently, I had biked right into a dangling piece of power line! As I was brushing myself off, an on coming car had seen all of this unfold. She stopped to ask if I was ok, and I embarrassingly said that I was. I was more embarrassed than scratched up. Oh well. I proceeded to ride into work and cuss myself for my stupidity. When I got to work, I cleaned up my scrapes and put it past me. Note to self: watch for dangling things whilst riding bike.
Oh, and as a little side note: I did make more cupcakes for me and the roomies last night:)
Oh, and as a little side note: I did make more cupcakes for me and the roomies last night:)
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Nesting?
For some reason, I've been baking a lot lately. Odd, since I don't eat sweets (not because I don't like them...'cause I do...but because they are bad for you). I baked cupcakes for me and my roommates the other night. Why cupcakes? I have no clue. I guess it's because I just happened to have all the ingredients - yes, I made them from scratch! Double odd! Then this morning, I made us biscuits for breakfast.
Is this some sort of nesting thing I'm going through?
Just. Plain. Odd.
Is this some sort of nesting thing I'm going through?
Just. Plain. Odd.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
5/25/08
I was able to sleep in today til around 10am. This being my only day to sleep in, it felt great. I got up and made some whole grain, flax seed pancakes, then biked into work.
It's a beautiful Sunday. The Sunday before Memorial Day. I'm working. Drinking coffee. Reading new blogs. And I'm ok with it all. For today, I'm content. For some reason, I'm ok with my life today. I know that there are things that I can't change, that I can't take back, that I can't re-do. And it's ok. Sometimes you just have those moments of "clarity" about your life. I like those moments. That's what life is all about. Being able to just sit and reflect on your life as it is now. Not what you want it to be, what you think it should be, how it could be...just how it is. Today.
*smiles*
It's a beautiful Sunday. The Sunday before Memorial Day. I'm working. Drinking coffee. Reading new blogs. And I'm ok with it all. For today, I'm content. For some reason, I'm ok with my life today. I know that there are things that I can't change, that I can't take back, that I can't re-do. And it's ok. Sometimes you just have those moments of "clarity" about your life. I like those moments. That's what life is all about. Being able to just sit and reflect on your life as it is now. Not what you want it to be, what you think it should be, how it could be...just how it is. Today.
*smiles*
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Nature of the Beast?
I think that drama and gay men go hand in hand - not always, mind you, but most of the time. For example, my boss is a self-proclaimed "drama-free" gay man, but I think that he's too deep in his own drama to realize how false his self perception really is. He just broke up with this guy that he wasn't even sure if he really liked and connected with. He wasn't really his type, didn't have the same interests, etc., but for some reason he was dating this guy to see where it would go. To me, this is just odd 'cause they met via Connexions, the guy is very "average" - my bosses words, the guy didn't lie on his profile about himself, so why try to date a total stranger when there is no existing vested interest? Well, the guy is new to Atlanta and has plainly stated that he doesn't like it here and wants to move back to Florida when the year is up from his job relocation. Fair enough, right? Who knows what will happen between now and 9 months, right? Well, my boss just takes this a bit far and tells the guy that he doesn't think they should see each other anymore and tells him to not contact him...at all. A bit harsh, I thought. I mean, they had gone to get HIV tests and all that jazz just last week. Obviously, the guy wasn't just in it for the sex...cause there had been no actual "sex"! And even as my boss is filling me in on the developments of this relationship, he is sooo dramatic about it.
Also, he is sooo paranoid if people know that he's gay. Um, dude, they know that you're gay when you speak. He doesn't know if his little brother from his fraternity knows that he's gay. Um, college was over 7 years ago, get a grip! He's also been avioding this straight couple at the gym because he's upset they know he's gay. When he signed them up, he loved this couple...wanted to go to church with them and all. Now, they always ask where he is cause he's avoiding them. Drama!
So, there in lies my topic. Can you be a gay man and be drama-free? I know you can't be t-totally drama-free 'cause life happens, but can you have minimal drama in your life? I honestly think that most gay men just can't live without it. For them, drama comes with the package deal. "Um, yes...I'd like to place an order for a cute guy, nice smile, not into drugs...oh, and just go on and add some drama on the side." That's a side dish I can live without.
Also, he is sooo paranoid if people know that he's gay. Um, dude, they know that you're gay when you speak. He doesn't know if his little brother from his fraternity knows that he's gay. Um, college was over 7 years ago, get a grip! He's also been avioding this straight couple at the gym because he's upset they know he's gay. When he signed them up, he loved this couple...wanted to go to church with them and all. Now, they always ask where he is cause he's avoiding them. Drama!
So, there in lies my topic. Can you be a gay man and be drama-free? I know you can't be t-totally drama-free 'cause life happens, but can you have minimal drama in your life? I honestly think that most gay men just can't live without it. For them, drama comes with the package deal. "Um, yes...I'd like to place an order for a cute guy, nice smile, not into drugs...oh, and just go on and add some drama on the side." That's a side dish I can live without.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Weekend Funny
I spent the weekend with my family for Mother’s Day this weekend. It was nice to get away from the reality that is my life. My brother-in-law and I went to see IronMan, I spent some time with my family (especially my niece and nephew), I got a much needed day off of work, I got to sleep in a little on Sunday, we had a nice Mother’s Day picnic in Helen, GA, walked around the little German town and ate fudge and all sorts of fattening stuff.
After my mom dropped me off at my apartment Sunday night, she called to tell me the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. They have 3 dogs – a female toy Poodle, a male Yorkie, and a male Maltese. The Yorkie and Maltese are both under a year old, so they are still very much puppies. Well, the plan is to breed each male with the toy Poodle and breed Malti-poo’s (the kind of dog Jessica Simpson has) and Yorki-poo’s. My mom had a Malti-poo a couple of years ago but something happened to it, but she loved that little dog. So, seeing how much they paid for the dogs they have now, they saw this as a way to make some extra money. Well, the Poodle has been in heat for the past week or so, but my mom didn’t think the male dogs knew what to do, so they didn’t think that she would get pregnant this time around. This didn’t stop the male dogs from giving her a few pumps here and there, tho. Apparently, when my mom was driving me back, the Yorkie “successfully” did the deed…and got stuck in the process! Both of them were crying and whimpering, so my brother-in-law had to get a flashlight to see what was going on. Well, much to his surprise, the Yorkie was “stuck” in her! He had to use Vasaline to get him out! I would have died to see this. The thing that makes this a bit funnier is that he doesn’t even like the dogs! He calls them rats – LOL. You just can’t make this stuff up…
After my mom dropped me off at my apartment Sunday night, she called to tell me the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. They have 3 dogs – a female toy Poodle, a male Yorkie, and a male Maltese. The Yorkie and Maltese are both under a year old, so they are still very much puppies. Well, the plan is to breed each male with the toy Poodle and breed Malti-poo’s (the kind of dog Jessica Simpson has) and Yorki-poo’s. My mom had a Malti-poo a couple of years ago but something happened to it, but she loved that little dog. So, seeing how much they paid for the dogs they have now, they saw this as a way to make some extra money. Well, the Poodle has been in heat for the past week or so, but my mom didn’t think the male dogs knew what to do, so they didn’t think that she would get pregnant this time around. This didn’t stop the male dogs from giving her a few pumps here and there, tho. Apparently, when my mom was driving me back, the Yorkie “successfully” did the deed…and got stuck in the process! Both of them were crying and whimpering, so my brother-in-law had to get a flashlight to see what was going on. Well, much to his surprise, the Yorkie was “stuck” in her! He had to use Vasaline to get him out! I would have died to see this. The thing that makes this a bit funnier is that he doesn’t even like the dogs! He calls them rats – LOL. You just can’t make this stuff up…
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Work Perks
There is this one particular member at the gym that 2 of us are ga-ga over. He’s your “alternative”, cute type. He’s one of those guys that you probably wouldn’t stop traffic over, but when you talk with him, there is just something that makes him more attractive. He makes it a point to smile and say “hey” and “bye”, which reels me in just enough to keep lusting over him. We’re pretty sure he’s not gay, but you never know about those artsy-fartsy/alternative types. He works at a coffee shop with a bunch of lesbians, so you never know. Not to mention the fact that his body ain’t too shabby either!
Well, he managed to top it all today. After finishing up his workout, he changed into some TIGHT, TIGHT shorts and t-shirt. I mean, the shorts may as well have been spandex, for goodness sakes! And being the gay boys that we are, my co-worker and I non-chalantly went over to the window that overlooks his car. Trying not to be obvious, we continue to talk (about how hot he is) and notice that he takes off his shirt! He was sooo putting on a little show for us! He definitely knew that we were watching him and I guess he just wanted to give us a little thrill. It was the highlight of my day, that’s for sure.
Well, he managed to top it all today. After finishing up his workout, he changed into some TIGHT, TIGHT shorts and t-shirt. I mean, the shorts may as well have been spandex, for goodness sakes! And being the gay boys that we are, my co-worker and I non-chalantly went over to the window that overlooks his car. Trying not to be obvious, we continue to talk (about how hot he is) and notice that he takes off his shirt! He was sooo putting on a little show for us! He definitely knew that we were watching him and I guess he just wanted to give us a little thrill. It was the highlight of my day, that’s for sure.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Need A Break
I'm going on 3 and a half weeks now without a day off... I need a break... Just a day to sleep late and do whatever *I* want to do. I do love my new job, but still... I'm working at a gym now, which is just perfect for me. Since I'm really into fitness and health, it doesn't even feel like work...most of the time. I got a little snippy with my co-workers yesterday...and I shouldn't have...I guess... I'm the only one on staff (out of 3 other people) who works everyday...all day most of the time. Usually, I don't mind it, but the lack of sleep just got to me yesterday. And now I'm just rambling...
I've always been one of those people who always looks to the future, not the present. I need to stop that. Even now, I'm already looking for places to move into once I finish this program. I still have like 3.5 months, and I'm already starting to browse Craig's List. Why? Even if I do find a place, it probably won't be available when I'm able to move in. A pointless exercise, but I guess it just keeps me looking forward to that time. But the fact of the matter is, I need to live in the NOW. This is something that I constantly struggle with. Note to self: work on this daily.
I'll get better at this blogging thing, too. Promise.
I've always been one of those people who always looks to the future, not the present. I need to stop that. Even now, I'm already looking for places to move into once I finish this program. I still have like 3.5 months, and I'm already starting to browse Craig's List. Why? Even if I do find a place, it probably won't be available when I'm able to move in. A pointless exercise, but I guess it just keeps me looking forward to that time. But the fact of the matter is, I need to live in the NOW. This is something that I constantly struggle with. Note to self: work on this daily.
I'll get better at this blogging thing, too. Promise.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
May 4, 2008
It’s been a while since I posted last, but I just felt the urge to blog some today, so here it goes.
There’s really nothing going on with me on the surface level, but I’m just sorta lost at the moment…inside, that is. I’m still in the rehab program and have a little less than 4 months left. I just can’t help but get a little depressed over it all. My life, that is. I mean, I’m finally doing something that I love for a job, I’m sober, I’m in good health, etc., but I have a case of the “poor pitiful me’s”. I hate that. I don’t like to feel like this. I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to start…again. I’ve always felt like this, actually. Like I’m always waiting for my life to start. But…the thing is…this IS my life. It has started. 28 years in the making, actually. What am I waiting for? I’d always thought of myself as a “the glass is half full” kinda guy, but the more and more I examine things, I’m finding out that I’m really a “the glass has water that’s in the middle” kinda fella. I don’t think I’m a pessimist, but I’m definitely not the optimist that I once thought I was. That’s a depressing thought. I can remember when I was naively positive. What happened to that guy? Will he ever come back? Has too much happened for him to return?
My days are pretty full these days. When I do get some “down time,” I usually don’t like the “me” time that I get. I’m lonely. I’m sorta longing for a person to talk with…or cuddle with…or something. I’m not one that has to have someone around to “complete” me, but I’m just lonely.
I’m too good at covering up my emotions, too. …something that I’ve found out that I’ve learned to do over the years… If practice makes perfect, then I’m getting pretty dang good at it. People that I come into contact with on a daily basis would have no clue that I’m so lost inside. I try to front the “I’ve got it all together” act, and I’m good at it. I can’t let people know how lost, lonely, sad I am inside, after all.
But I’ve always got running. That’s what it does for me that nothing else does. It makes me happy. It’s just me, my iPod, my thoughts, and the open road. It’s the one part of my day that I can control. If for nothing else, it gives me a little piece of happiness that nothing else can.
Anyway, enough rambling for one day.
…if anyone even read this thing anymore, that is...
There’s really nothing going on with me on the surface level, but I’m just sorta lost at the moment…inside, that is. I’m still in the rehab program and have a little less than 4 months left. I just can’t help but get a little depressed over it all. My life, that is. I mean, I’m finally doing something that I love for a job, I’m sober, I’m in good health, etc., but I have a case of the “poor pitiful me’s”. I hate that. I don’t like to feel like this. I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to start…again. I’ve always felt like this, actually. Like I’m always waiting for my life to start. But…the thing is…this IS my life. It has started. 28 years in the making, actually. What am I waiting for? I’d always thought of myself as a “the glass is half full” kinda guy, but the more and more I examine things, I’m finding out that I’m really a “the glass has water that’s in the middle” kinda fella. I don’t think I’m a pessimist, but I’m definitely not the optimist that I once thought I was. That’s a depressing thought. I can remember when I was naively positive. What happened to that guy? Will he ever come back? Has too much happened for him to return?
My days are pretty full these days. When I do get some “down time,” I usually don’t like the “me” time that I get. I’m lonely. I’m sorta longing for a person to talk with…or cuddle with…or something. I’m not one that has to have someone around to “complete” me, but I’m just lonely.
I’m too good at covering up my emotions, too. …something that I’ve found out that I’ve learned to do over the years… If practice makes perfect, then I’m getting pretty dang good at it. People that I come into contact with on a daily basis would have no clue that I’m so lost inside. I try to front the “I’ve got it all together” act, and I’m good at it. I can’t let people know how lost, lonely, sad I am inside, after all.
But I’ve always got running. That’s what it does for me that nothing else does. It makes me happy. It’s just me, my iPod, my thoughts, and the open road. It’s the one part of my day that I can control. If for nothing else, it gives me a little piece of happiness that nothing else can.
Anyway, enough rambling for one day.
…if anyone even read this thing anymore, that is...
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Happy (belated) New Year!!!
Happy Freakin' New Year! So...yeah...it's already the 9th day of 2008 and I haven't posted a dang thing. I'm not starting off very good, am I?
Let's see, what's changed since last I posted...
Nada.
Zilch.
Nothing.
Nil.
Most of the guys that are in this program let their drug of choice (drugs or alcohol or both) destroy their lives. They are in a better place now than they were when they were actively using. Me? I miss my old, boring life. I want to go back to it. I don't miss the problems that alcohol caused, but my life wasn't all that bad. Hrmmm...
My New Year's Resolution: living a healthy, strong life.
Let's see, what's changed since last I posted...
Nada.
Zilch.
Nothing.
Nil.
Most of the guys that are in this program let their drug of choice (drugs or alcohol or both) destroy their lives. They are in a better place now than they were when they were actively using. Me? I miss my old, boring life. I want to go back to it. I don't miss the problems that alcohol caused, but my life wasn't all that bad. Hrmmm...
My New Year's Resolution: living a healthy, strong life.
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