'cause I'm not really anonymous anymore, if ever, since all my posts have "posted by Stephen."

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Nesting?

For some reason, I've been baking a lot lately. Odd, since I don't eat sweets (not because I don't like them...'cause I do...but because they are bad for you). I baked cupcakes for me and my roommates the other night. Why cupcakes? I have no clue. I guess it's because I just happened to have all the ingredients - yes, I made them from scratch! Double odd! Then this morning, I made us biscuits for breakfast.

Is this some sort of nesting thing I'm going through?

Just. Plain. Odd.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

5/25/08

I was able to sleep in today til around 10am. This being my only day to sleep in, it felt great. I got up and made some whole grain, flax seed pancakes, then biked into work.

It's a beautiful Sunday. The Sunday before Memorial Day. I'm working. Drinking coffee. Reading new blogs. And I'm ok with it all. For today, I'm content. For some reason, I'm ok with my life today. I know that there are things that I can't change, that I can't take back, that I can't re-do. And it's ok. Sometimes you just have those moments of "clarity" about your life. I like those moments. That's what life is all about. Being able to just sit and reflect on your life as it is now. Not what you want it to be, what you think it should be, how it could be...just how it is. Today.

*smiles*

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Nature of the Beast?

I think that drama and gay men go hand in hand - not always, mind you, but most of the time. For example, my boss is a self-proclaimed "drama-free" gay man, but I think that he's too deep in his own drama to realize how false his self perception really is. He just broke up with this guy that he wasn't even sure if he really liked and connected with. He wasn't really his type, didn't have the same interests, etc., but for some reason he was dating this guy to see where it would go. To me, this is just odd 'cause they met via Connexions, the guy is very "average" - my bosses words, the guy didn't lie on his profile about himself, so why try to date a total stranger when there is no existing vested interest? Well, the guy is new to Atlanta and has plainly stated that he doesn't like it here and wants to move back to Florida when the year is up from his job relocation. Fair enough, right? Who knows what will happen between now and 9 months, right? Well, my boss just takes this a bit far and tells the guy that he doesn't think they should see each other anymore and tells him to not contact him...at all. A bit harsh, I thought. I mean, they had gone to get HIV tests and all that jazz just last week. Obviously, the guy wasn't just in it for the sex...cause there had been no actual "sex"! And even as my boss is filling me in on the developments of this relationship, he is sooo dramatic about it.

Also, he is sooo paranoid if people know that he's gay. Um, dude, they know that you're gay when you speak. He doesn't know if his little brother from his fraternity knows that he's gay. Um, college was over 7 years ago, get a grip! He's also been avioding this straight couple at the gym because he's upset they know he's gay. When he signed them up, he loved this couple...wanted to go to church with them and all. Now, they always ask where he is cause he's avoiding them. Drama!

So, there in lies my topic. Can you be a gay man and be drama-free? I know you can't be t-totally drama-free 'cause life happens, but can you have minimal drama in your life? I honestly think that most gay men just can't live without it. For them, drama comes with the package deal. "Um, yes...I'd like to place an order for a cute guy, nice smile, not into drugs...oh, and just go on and add some drama on the side." That's a side dish I can live without.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Weekend Funny

I spent the weekend with my family for Mother’s Day this weekend. It was nice to get away from the reality that is my life. My brother-in-law and I went to see IronMan, I spent some time with my family (especially my niece and nephew), I got a much needed day off of work, I got to sleep in a little on Sunday, we had a nice Mother’s Day picnic in Helen, GA, walked around the little German town and ate fudge and all sorts of fattening stuff.

After my mom dropped me off at my apartment Sunday night, she called to tell me the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. They have 3 dogs – a female toy Poodle, a male Yorkie, and a male Maltese. The Yorkie and Maltese are both under a year old, so they are still very much puppies. Well, the plan is to breed each male with the toy Poodle and breed Malti-poo’s (the kind of dog Jessica Simpson has) and Yorki-poo’s. My mom had a Malti-poo a couple of years ago but something happened to it, but she loved that little dog. So, seeing how much they paid for the dogs they have now, they saw this as a way to make some extra money. Well, the Poodle has been in heat for the past week or so, but my mom didn’t think the male dogs knew what to do, so they didn’t think that she would get pregnant this time around. This didn’t stop the male dogs from giving her a few pumps here and there, tho. Apparently, when my mom was driving me back, the Yorkie “successfully” did the deed…and got stuck in the process! Both of them were crying and whimpering, so my brother-in-law had to get a flashlight to see what was going on. Well, much to his surprise, the Yorkie was “stuck” in her! He had to use Vasaline to get him out! I would have died to see this. The thing that makes this a bit funnier is that he doesn’t even like the dogs! He calls them rats – LOL. You just can’t make this stuff up…

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Work Perks

There is this one particular member at the gym that 2 of us are ga-ga over. He’s your “alternative”, cute type. He’s one of those guys that you probably wouldn’t stop traffic over, but when you talk with him, there is just something that makes him more attractive. He makes it a point to smile and say “hey” and “bye”, which reels me in just enough to keep lusting over him. We’re pretty sure he’s not gay, but you never know about those artsy-fartsy/alternative types. He works at a coffee shop with a bunch of lesbians, so you never know. Not to mention the fact that his body ain’t too shabby either!

Well, he managed to top it all today. After finishing up his workout, he changed into some TIGHT, TIGHT shorts and t-shirt. I mean, the shorts may as well have been spandex, for goodness sakes! And being the gay boys that we are, my co-worker and I non-chalantly went over to the window that overlooks his car. Trying not to be obvious, we continue to talk (about how hot he is) and notice that he takes off his shirt! He was sooo putting on a little show for us! He definitely knew that we were watching him and I guess he just wanted to give us a little thrill. It was the highlight of my day, that’s for sure.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Need A Break

I'm going on 3 and a half weeks now without a day off... I need a break... Just a day to sleep late and do whatever *I* want to do. I do love my new job, but still... I'm working at a gym now, which is just perfect for me. Since I'm really into fitness and health, it doesn't even feel like work...most of the time. I got a little snippy with my co-workers yesterday...and I shouldn't have...I guess... I'm the only one on staff (out of 3 other people) who works everyday...all day most of the time. Usually, I don't mind it, but the lack of sleep just got to me yesterday. And now I'm just rambling...

I've always been one of those people who always looks to the future, not the present. I need to stop that. Even now, I'm already looking for places to move into once I finish this program. I still have like 3.5 months, and I'm already starting to browse Craig's List. Why? Even if I do find a place, it probably won't be available when I'm able to move in. A pointless exercise, but I guess it just keeps me looking forward to that time. But the fact of the matter is, I need to live in the NOW. This is something that I constantly struggle with. Note to self: work on this daily.

I'll get better at this blogging thing, too. Promise.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

May 4, 2008

It’s been a while since I posted last, but I just felt the urge to blog some today, so here it goes.

There’s really nothing going on with me on the surface level, but I’m just sorta lost at the moment…inside, that is. I’m still in the rehab program and have a little less than 4 months left. I just can’t help but get a little depressed over it all. My life, that is. I mean, I’m finally doing something that I love for a job, I’m sober, I’m in good health, etc., but I have a case of the “poor pitiful me’s”. I hate that. I don’t like to feel like this. I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to start…again. I’ve always felt like this, actually. Like I’m always waiting for my life to start. But…the thing is…this IS my life. It has started. 28 years in the making, actually. What am I waiting for? I’d always thought of myself as a “the glass is half full” kinda guy, but the more and more I examine things, I’m finding out that I’m really a “the glass has water that’s in the middle” kinda fella. I don’t think I’m a pessimist, but I’m definitely not the optimist that I once thought I was. That’s a depressing thought. I can remember when I was naively positive. What happened to that guy? Will he ever come back? Has too much happened for him to return?

My days are pretty full these days. When I do get some “down time,” I usually don’t like the “me” time that I get. I’m lonely. I’m sorta longing for a person to talk with…or cuddle with…or something. I’m not one that has to have someone around to “complete” me, but I’m just lonely.

I’m too good at covering up my emotions, too. …something that I’ve found out that I’ve learned to do over the years… If practice makes perfect, then I’m getting pretty dang good at it. People that I come into contact with on a daily basis would have no clue that I’m so lost inside. I try to front the “I’ve got it all together” act, and I’m good at it. I can’t let people know how lost, lonely, sad I am inside, after all.

But I’ve always got running. That’s what it does for me that nothing else does. It makes me happy. It’s just me, my iPod, my thoughts, and the open road. It’s the one part of my day that I can control. If for nothing else, it gives me a little piece of happiness that nothing else can.

Anyway, enough rambling for one day.

…if anyone even read this thing anymore, that is...