May 4, 2008

It’s been a while since I posted last, but I just felt the urge to blog some today, so here it goes.

There’s really nothing going on with me on the surface level, but I’m just sorta lost at the moment…inside, that is. I’m still in the rehab program and have a little less than 4 months left. I just can’t help but get a little depressed over it all. My life, that is. I mean, I’m finally doing something that I love for a job, I’m sober, I’m in good health, etc., but I have a case of the “poor pitiful me’s”. I hate that. I don’t like to feel like this. I feel like I’m just waiting for my life to start…again. I’ve always felt like this, actually. Like I’m always waiting for my life to start. But…the thing is…this IS my life. It has started. 28 years in the making, actually. What am I waiting for? I’d always thought of myself as a “the glass is half full” kinda guy, but the more and more I examine things, I’m finding out that I’m really a “the glass has water that’s in the middle” kinda fella. I don’t think I’m a pessimist, but I’m definitely not the optimist that I once thought I was. That’s a depressing thought. I can remember when I was naively positive. What happened to that guy? Will he ever come back? Has too much happened for him to return?

My days are pretty full these days. When I do get some “down time,” I usually don’t like the “me” time that I get. I’m lonely. I’m sorta longing for a person to talk with…or cuddle with…or something. I’m not one that has to have someone around to “complete” me, but I’m just lonely.

I’m too good at covering up my emotions, too. …something that I’ve found out that I’ve learned to do over the years… If practice makes perfect, then I’m getting pretty dang good at it. People that I come into contact with on a daily basis would have no clue that I’m so lost inside. I try to front the “I’ve got it all together” act, and I’m good at it. I can’t let people know how lost, lonely, sad I am inside, after all.

But I’ve always got running. That’s what it does for me that nothing else does. It makes me happy. It’s just me, my iPod, my thoughts, and the open road. It’s the one part of my day that I can control. If for nothing else, it gives me a little piece of happiness that nothing else can.

Anyway, enough rambling for one day.

…if anyone even read this thing anymore, that is...