'cause I'm not really anonymous anymore, if ever, since all my posts have "posted by Stephen."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

...

Can you really miss someone you've never met?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Family Visit

I went up to my family's house last night for a Halloween/30th surprise Birthday Party for my brother-in-law's sister. I was both excited and apprehensive about the trip. Excited cause I hadn't seen my mom in about 2 months or my niece and nephew in about 5 months. Apprehensive cause my sister and I are like mixing oil and vinegar - it's good sometimes but doesn't mix well. All in all, it was great to see everyone. I don't agree with/like the way my sister treats my mom, but that's par for the course. She takes advantage of her, doesn't realize how much she does for them, etc. I just keep my mouth shut, tho...

My neice and nephew, on the other hand, are growing up so fast! I just sat in awe as my 7 year old neice read a book to me. She was reading words that I didn't think she should be able to say, but she's a smart cookie! Any my nephew is your typical little boy - always getting into things. And then they randomly run to me to give me a hug...makes me melt. I love them like they're my own:)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Ex Factor

The first boyfriend I ever had was in college. I was 21 and he was 19. We met through a mutual friend and went out for about 4 months. He was my first, so that meant a lot and seemed like a long time. I went on vacation with the family and he went to band camp (insert American Pie joke here). Upon my return, he apparently had had too much fun at band camp and was already "seeing" another guy. I was crushed. He was the first person that I said "I love you" to. I came out to my best friend while we were going out. He had met my family as "a friend" and me his.

Fast forward 7 years.
After not having seen or spoken to him since college, I saw him several times as I ran around town. Odd that I would see him after all this time...in a different city...but ok. Chalk it up to coincidence and "the odds." Opening day at the gym...he and another guy (I assumed his bf) came in to get a joint 6 month membership. I acted like he was just an old friend - it had been 7 years, after all. Totally ok with it all now. As the months went on, we exchanged friendly banter, but nothing too in depth. He eventually wained off of his workout regimen after about 3 months, so that was that.

Last night.
Some friends and I go out...and guess who we see at the bar? Yup, he and his joint membership guy are there. I stop to chat and we exchange friendly "hellos." Come to find out, he isn't dating his joint membership guy, they are just roommates. As the drinks continue to flow, I invite him to walk around with my group and hang out. He accepts. At one point, it is just the 2 of us...outside. We make some chit-chat...and for some reason, the break-up and the past become the topic of discussion. He continues to tell me that he has always regretted the way he treated me. That he didn't handle the situation like he should have. That, after having dated since then, he realized how "good he had it" (his words). That the grass wasn't greener on the other side, like he thought. That if he could, he would do it all differently. That he "got what he deserved" in his subsequent relationships.

WHOA!

I was totally not expecting ANY of this. I had never even thought about getting any sort of validation from him. Ever. It all took me by surprise...and that is putting it mildly. I told him not to worry about it. That I really appreciate the validation, but that we were both just so young. We didn't know what we were doing.

More drinks. More time passes. He skips his ride with his roommate to hang out with me (us) longer. After closing the bar down, we share a taxi...and go to his place. We both had to work this morning, so all we did was make out a little and then pass out. As he drives me to my house this morning, he gets my number. We kiss goodbye. It's in his court. He has my number. I don't have his.

WHOA!

Do I revisit?
Do we start anew?
Do we "not go there again."

Who knows. Time will tell. I'm not going to over-analyze it...like I usually do.

Que sera, sera.

But it does feel f-ing awesome to get validation from an ex. Especially when you never expected it. From him.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The One...

...that got away?

Do you have *that* one that got away? Well, I have mine. I am riddled with regret...and I hate that. Partly cause I know that I was the one that cause the break-up...and partly because I feel that I was the one that made him "wander"...

I still have the napkin that he gave me with his cell number...
I still have every note he ever wrote me...
I still have everthing he ever gave me...
I still have the box from the chocolates that he gave me on Valentine's Day...

...all in a box
...and yes, I went through it tonight...

Why? Maybe I needed a good cry. Maybe I like to punish myself. Maybe I'll never get over it. Maybe I'm just f'ed up. Maybe I'll never forgive myself.

I hate "maybe's"...
I hate regrets.
I hate that he still gets to me.
I hate that I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I hate that I think about this...a lot...
I.
Hate.
It.

I'm not still "in love with him"...I'm not. I'm still in love with that time in my life...when I was truly happy...when I truly loved someone else...when I truly felt like someone loved me back...when I wasn't jaded...when I still believed in love...the happy ending...the fairy tale...

My Fairy Tale...

...but I don't know that I believe in that anymore...

Saturday, October 04, 2008

What Am I Looking For?

After a long week of work, I decided to go out with some friends last night. A friend of a friend was in town, so it was really just another excuse to go out. As the night progressed, we decided to go dancing. Then to grab a bite to eat before calling it a night...or morning, that is...at 3am. While we were eating, the friend of my friend told me that I was too picky. He had spotted a guy that he thought was cute, but I didn't.

AM I too picky?

Despite people telling me that I'm cute or hot, dancing with my shirt off and guys (mostly unwanted) trying to dance with me, people flirting, etc...what is it that I'm really looking for? (please excuse the cliche image of a gay boy in the aforementioned sentence...) I'm not trying to toot my own horn (trust me!), but why am I so picky??? Would I date me? I dunno. That's a whole 'nother can of worms that I don't want to open right now. I think that part of me would never date someone that I met at a bar/club, so why, then, do I continue to go out? That's not to say that I haven't dated a guy that I've met at a bar/club...but we see how well that's worked for me, right? And for that matter, why would anyone date me that I met out...if they were to think as I do??? So, why then, do we, as gay men...as humans...go out? Are we really missing something if we don't? Are we so afraid that we'll miss something that we just go out anyway? What is the lure? What is the shiny (disco) ball that draws us? Are we really looking for the "what if" of life? What if I don't go out and miss my Mr. Right? What if he were to be at the same bar that I always go to...just for tonight? What if I miss my opportunity? What if said opportunity never comes up again? What if???

Are we, as gay men, so blinded by the "what if's" that we can't see clearly? So? What if he was there and we weren't? If it was meant to be, it will be. Tonight. Tomorrow night. Next week. Whenever the stars align, it will happen. Are we *that* deluded by the "what if's" that we'll put ourselves through this mental turmoil???

Does any of this make sense?